Ending a Coaching Relationship

Image: Air Force Museum of New Zealand collection, 1942

One of my supervision clients was concerned about how to end a coaching relationship positively and felt unprepared for it. The final coaching session was fast approaching.

Our conversation produced several interesting thoughts and ideas, and afterwards, I reflected on what had happened and how endings had become woven into my thinking about the structure of a coaching programme.

I realised that it wasn’t something I had given enough attention to before. How can I best prepare for an ending – prepare myself and the coachee? How would I plan for it and deliver it?

I thought about my usual approach with a new client, in a chemistry meeting, and recognised that while I talked about the timing and about feedback and reflection, I didn’t go into the feelings around the close of the programme.

What might be the emotional impact of ending a coaching relationship?

The ending of a relationship may involve a sense of loss, detachment, sadness, anxiety, a feeling of unfulfillment. On the other hand, it might be a relief, a joy even, it might be an exciting opening to a new opportunity or a sense of achievement in fulfilling an objective.

In fact, it could be all those things simultaneously, which might feel contradictory and confusing at the same moment as being clear and straightforward. For internal coaches, endings can carry an additional layer of complexity. They may well continue to encounter their coachees within the organisation, so closure needs to be intentional: clear enough to create space, yet sensitive to ongoing connection.

And the feelings the coach has about ending the relationship may well be quite different from those of the coachee.

When I talked about this with a colleague in France, she mentioned a T. S. Eliot poem:

What we call the beginning is often the end

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

The end is where we start from. ...

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time. 

[Extract from Little Gidding by T. S. Eliot]

As I pondered this, another colleague in the UK asked me to talk to her coaching trainees about . . . ending a coaching relationship. And that spurred me to organise my thoughts, starting with asking myself, what kind of ending would work best for the client and me? Between us, how can we construct an ending that helps us to shape what comes next?

If you think about the coaching relationship as a journey shared by coach and coachee during which the coachee’s story emerges, how might the end of that story unfold? There are, according to author Nicole C.W., six types of story endings:

• Resolved Ending – all threads of the plot are clearly and satisfyingly resolved (e.g. happy ever after)

• Unresolved Ending – inconclusive, with loose ends and  unanswered questions

• Open-Ended or Ambiguous Ending – what happens next is (deliberately?) left to the reader’s imagination

• Expanded Ending or Epilogue – a soft landing for those who don’t find it easy to let go (or offers a clue about the next in the series)

• Unexpected or Twist Ending – surprise, often dramatic, conclusion that leaves you with mixed feelings, such as joyous consternation

• Full Circle Ending – this is where we started, if you remember

These are adapted from Nicole’s sextet: https://www.nicolecw.com/self-publishing/story-endings-types/.

I’ve experienced a few unexpected endings, many resolved and quite a lot of ambiguous finales, some full of hope and anticipation, others somewhat uncertain. I usually try to complete the circle but sometimes there isn’t a circle to complete.

Returning to my chemistry conversation, I considered how I needed to encourage an ending that I would prefer, for the coachee and me. My reflections brought me to four steps:

1.     Begin with the end in mind . . .

Things I might say during the chemistry session and re-state in the written contract

• We will hopefully achieve all the goals you (the coachee) set for the coaching by the end of our contracted sessions

• The coaching is intended to help you (the coachee) reach conclusions but sometimes those conclusions might not be reached until long after the coaching has finished

• The purpose of the coaching is to prepare you (the coachee) to take things forward without further support from a coach, at least not in the short term

• We may arrange an evaluation of the coaching programme a little while after it has finished – three or six months beyond, for example.

2.     Explain the process . . .

Things that I might say during the chemistry session and then follow through in the coaching sessions:

• We’ll spend a few minutes at the end of each session to review the progress that’s been made . . .

• . . . and how the conversation has worked for you (the coachee) . . .

• . . . and what we might do differently next time

In the coaching session, this could be viewed as

Reflect: what just happened and how do you and I feel about it?

Review: what worked and what could work better?

Re-contract: what will we do differently, do more of or less of?

3.     Keep your eye on the goals

If, as is so often the case, coaching goals have been agreed, keep checking that things are on track. This may be part of the reflection – if not, ensure it is not overlooked. In the chemistry session, I could explain to the coachee:

• I’ll check each session where we are with the goals you (the coachee) have set

• This might be at the beginning of the session, at the end, or in the middle

• Sometimes goals change during the coaching – which is absolutely fine as long as we both know and are working towards the same desired outcome

4.     Prepare coach and coachee for the final session

Explain in the chemistry session that as much as half of the final coaching session may be devoted to reflection on the whole of the programme. In that reflection, we may look at:

• What has been achieved in respect of the goals you (the coachee) started with

• What you (the coachee) have learned about yourself

• What has changed for you (the coachee) as a result of these conversations

• What differences others will notice about you as a result of these changes

• How you [the coachee] can build on what you have learned

With this foundation, I can hope to achieve an ending to the coaching relationship which will help both my coachee and me feel that the coaching has fulfilled its purpose.

But, of course, this presumes that the relationship will end where and when it is planned. What if it doesn’t? What might have happened to cause it to end before it was due?

There’s a whole variety of reasons to bring the coaching to an unplanned closure. Let’s start with reasons the coach might decide to call things to a halt:

• The coach’s own values or beliefs are being compromised

• The coaching contract has been broken in a way that the coach feels is beyond repair (e.g. persistent cancellations, no shows, aggressive behaviour, etc)

• The coachee is not responding to your support (e.g. brings nothing to the session and takes nothing from it)

• Insufficient rapport

• Dependency is setting in

The coachee might have reason to close things down:

• Expresses dissatisfaction with the coaching

• Doesn’t like/trust the coach

• No longer has time/unable to prioritise the coaching in a busy work life

• The coachee is taken seriously ill (or worse!)

• No explanation – contact lost

It is also possible that the coaching is ended by someone else. For example:

• Coachee’s manager/sponsor withdraws support

• Coachee is made redundant

How does the coach manage a situation like one of these? It would be helpful to acknowledge in the chemistry session that there are sometimes reasons to end the coaching early, although this rarely happens. If this does happen, the coach and coachee will seek to explain the reasons and end the relationship amicably. That process might look like this:

• Be clear about the reasons – explain or ask for an explanation

• Acknowledge any differences

• Appreciate the opportunity

• Identify any benefits/learning – the coachee’s and/or the coach’s

• Reflect on the experience (from both perspectives)

• (Where appropriate) Offer further support

• Express gratitude/sorrow

  . . . and finally, for the coach . . .

• Seek supervision (especially if there is no explanation or reasonable cause)

One of the most distressing endings for a coach is the elusive client who decides to end the coaching but doesn’t want to contact you about it and ignores your attempts to get in touch. This can generate negative reflection, seeking to understand what you have “done wrong” or “failed to do at all”. Neither of these self-criticisms is likely to be true and your supervisor can help to restore your confidence and self-belief.

The best endings are positive ones, when both coach and coach recognise the benefits of the process, the outcomes, their relationship and the joyful anticipation of what comes next.

Endings can generate conflicting emotions – about things lost and things found, things left behind and things to look forward to. In planning the last-session review of the coaching programme, the coach needs to:

• Celebrate – goals achieved, progress made, problems left behind

• Recognise positive differences that either coach or coachee notice in the coachee

• Enjoy the learning – the coachee’s and the coach’s

• Explore what might follow - encourage coachees to sustain their growth beyond the coaching relationship and to integrate their insights back into the organisational system

• Appreciate the relationship and recognise the possibility of chance meetings (you might say, for example, “If we meet in public, I won't reveal we have worked together unless you choose to do so.”)

• Be thankful for feedback – positive or otherwise

• Offer appropriate further contact – if both coach and coachee feel it would be valuable. You may have pre-agreed a three or six-month evaluation. If not you might arrange to have a coffee-and-catch-up with clients (if they want to) a few months after the coaching has ended to hear how things are going. For independent coaches, that also has marketing benefits, of course.

This way, there is a good chance that the coaching will be fondly remembered by both the coach and the coachee.

© Copyright Gerald England and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.